So, I'm still nursing FYI. And as long as I am nursing, I will be questioning my decision to keep nursing, whether it's right for me. I find it at times the most limiting, clumsy, cumbersome thing I do- but of course this is when I am in public. At home, curled up on the couch with the boppy and the baby, I am cozy, and holding her hand, kissing her little punkin head, having her reach out and pat me (or sometimes pinch and grab, depending on her fiestiness) looking into her blue-green-brownish-hazel eyes and hearing her sigh with contentment are precious, priceless, fleeting moments that I will protect fiercely. So... Me and my trusty pump continue to spend each passing day together, so that I can have my 20 minutes a day of nursing with Bug.
I've thought so much of happiness lately, mainly because I have discovered my own personal Bible, the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I, too, imagined myself to one day outgrow all of my shortcomings- I'd be effortlessly thin, have plenty of time to cook delish healthy meals between going to the gym and playing with my dogs and my child, I'd have a better attitude, better style, I'd be more patient. I imagine myself a writer- even the cover of the book, which has a title, if nothing else- and yet my day-to-day life reflects none of these aspirations. I worry what kind of role model I am; I worry about how my lackadaisical health could result in ultimately fewer days on this earth to marvel at my amazing little girl in her eventual womanhood. This book is guiding me to making decisions- albeit little ones- that will lead to positive change for me, my family, and my household.
There's a chapter on friendship, which I could've used many lifetimes ago. I have cyclical best friends, you see. Over the course of the past 10 years, I've had several "best friends," from Tracey to Renee to Iris to Mike Baby (who doesn't count, now I've up and married him) Carlye, to Natalia. Max and my sis are always in my life, but are so far away we can't spend time together on a regular basis.
My problem is with friendships lies in the maintenance, as I get busy, and I also just enjoy more alone time than most people, but still I feel so lonely at times, especially now. I've got a perfect baby, but none of my superclose friends do. We have friends that have older children, and they get together more because the kids play together. I join a mom's group- wonderful women who I wish wholeheartedly I could spend more time with- but I can't, because I work full time and it's easier for them to make more time to get together than it is for me. I have no one really close to me who's in the exact same situation that I can share with, other than on Facebook... My social (media) life is the only *social* life I seem to have sometimes!
I've been thinking a lot of my work lately; how there's really no room for me to grow within the office, a result of my own doing, frantically trying, and failing, to juggle work life with home life has unfortunately done some damage to what I feel was previously a reputation for creativity and capability. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we'd have to move out for me to move upward, and if I want to continue to use my degree there are precious few lateral moves I could make in our area... It's created a lot of anxiety to wonder how to go about preserving my work. I still do love what I do, so that is always a bonus. I've worked hard to be in a position that makes me happy, even when my work doesn't feel that valuable... but hey, I plan luncheons and group tours for a living so maybe legitimacy is not something I should strive for, haha!
I've made it an entire week alone with Millie, as Mike is out of town, and it's been easier than I expected. Peaceful. No worries about him coming home from happy hour and messing up the kitchen, no TV (especially no TV since it's always tuned to crap I don't watch to begin with- it's just noise. Crappy, annoying, distracting noise.) I miss him, and look forward to his return, but I am pleased with the calm that has blanketed our home this week and wish we could bottle up and reserve it for when we need a little more peace around here!
In other news, I've made it this far with my one-sentence-a-day project, where I write a sentence or two about my day every day. It's good to keep track, and funny to read what I've already written... I write the same things to Millie all the time about how amazing she is.... which I guess is a sign I'm into this mama gig huh. :)
We have her 6 month photos next week at the Thomas Center and I can't wait to share!!
She also does all kinds of cute things like creeping, scooting, saying Abbah, squealing with anticipation when I'm about to blow on her belly, and chew on her books. And her toes. And me.
It's pretty awesome.
She's napping, but I kinda miss her so I think I'll go bug her now so she'll get up. I'm so sweet like that. :)
Good night, blogosphere!